In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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