so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
