Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
