i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
