there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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