just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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