am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit