Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
