Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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