I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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