I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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