if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
