What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
this is an emotional support booty call
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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