I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
