We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
