Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
