My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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