my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
