Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
