Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I deserve this hangover.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
