took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
