I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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