The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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