My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
