She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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