Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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