why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
