Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
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I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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