No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
