dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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