Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
