What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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