The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
