i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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