Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
