JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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