my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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