Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
