i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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