The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
