Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my phone needs a breathalizer
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize