Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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