so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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