i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
