My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You made out with two different species that night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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