Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
