she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
