You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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