happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
