I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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