I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
