don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
