The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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