im drinking this country out of the recession.
...so i touched it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
