I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize