I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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