I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
