i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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